Every time I teach on forgiveness, I receive a lot of feedback—some encouraging, some challenging. And I get it! Forgiveness is a loaded word.
As I was going through some of the messages I received, a friend sent me an article by a pastor that really resonated with me. It reminded me why so many of us struggle with forgiveness:
We misunderstand what forgiveness actually is.
Here’s a portion of that article that I found incredibly helpful:
Forgiveness involves me, reconciliation involves us, and trust takes time.
At its core, this understanding treats forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust as three distinct phases of healing. Many people merge all three, assuming that forgiving someone means they must immediately return to the relationship and trust as if nothing had happened. Nothing could be further from the truth.
When we jam these three elements together, we misunderstand how healing happens and set ourselves up for future hurt and disappointment. Each stage is separate, with one not guaranteeing the next.
Forgiveness involves me—and not necessarily the person who hurt me. You don't control anyone's response or decisions except your own. Over time, I’ve learned that I don't control anyone but myself. I can forgive since forgiveness is the process through which I experience God's healing power and transformation, regardless of the other person's choices.
Reconciliation involves us. After a relationship fracture, there's often an unequal desire to see the relationship restored and an unequal commitment to the healing process. One person might want to forgive, while the other isn't willing to apologize, repent, and show changed behavior. Sometimes, the person who caused the hurt is sincerely repentant, but the wounded person wants to move on. Reconciliation requires two willing participants to do the hard work to heal.
Trust takes time, and accepting this reality is often challenging. One of my favorite analogies is that trust is built in drops and lost in buckets. It takes many drops to fill a bucket, but just one swift kick to empty it.
Isn’t that a helpful way to think about it?
When we talk about forgiveness, we’re primarily focusing on the first part of that process. We’re not necessarily talking about reconciliation or rebuilding trust. All three are important. They live in the same neighborhood, but they are distinct from one another.
My hope is that by narrowing our focus to forgiveness, we can concentrate on what you can do—without getting lost in the complexities of the rest of the puzzle.
If this resonates with you, consider sharing it with someone who could use a message of grace and healing. Forgiveness may not change the past, but it has the power to transform your future.
